Hats Off to Halloween by Josephine Walk

To my grave disappointment, Halloween falls on a Wednesday this year.

“It’ll be okay!” I tried to tell myself. “You can still have fun on the worst day of the week!” I unsuccessfully reasoned. “I mean it is a school night, but...” I stopped. Halloween on a Wednesday is unfixable, unforgivable, and un-fun-able. Who even makes these decisions?

So the night of the 31st is clearly a bust; that leaves me one option. Next Wednesday is going to be the spookiest school day of my life. I can dress in the best costume this world has ever seen and jumpscare my friends in the hallways and do

the monster mash and ring the doorbell of each of my classes to see if the teacher has any candy to give out and carve an pumpkin during my open and

Wait, what? You’re telling me we’re not allowed to wear costumes? Of all the bad things in this world, I can’t wear a Halloween costume from 8:30 to 3:15 once this

dreary year? I wonder what those cheerless people in charge really have against a bit

of festivity.

Why wouldn’t costumes be allowed?

After hours of contemplation, the truth has dawned on me. Costumes have

hats. And the tall people who assign the homework here are allergic to hats!

Well, maybe that’s not it. I guess an abundance of pointy witch hats (*achoo) could lead to an unnecessary reenactment of the Salem Witch Trials (or Monty Python in the right crowd).

Or seeing hordes of students dressed as various animals could confirm teachers’ consternations that they really do work in a zoo. On the flipside, a sudden increase in Tech’s mummy population could assure us all there is, in fact, toilet paper in this building.

Whatever its reason, I’m not going to allow one silly rule to ruin the last Halloween of my childhood. But I’m not letting wearing a costume get in the way of me not having any negative run-ins with the big wigs either.

I was sitting in physics the other day, minding my own business and trying to

understand two-dimensional kinematics, when the best idea I’ve had in a long time slapped me in the face with a downward acceleration of 9.8 m/s^2.

What if I secretly wear a costume? I could dress up as my sister or my friend or that kid who sits behind me in math. People wear different outfits every day, and my re-creation probably wouldn’t be the most accurate look in the world; nobody would ever know I was even wearing a costume!

I can embrace the Wednesday that is this glorious Halloween and simultaneously obey the no extraneous costume law and dress up as the one person who’s consistent wardrobe will make my “not-costume” identifiable. All I’m gonna say is math team shirts are $10 from Mr. Thell if you feel so inclined to join me.

I still encourage you to find your own means of celebrating mid-week pumpkin day. Just be sure that a) your hiding gear does not include a hat (*achoo) and b) you enjoy the beauty that is the crisis of Halloween on a Wednesday.

Halloween Essentials